Talking to your teen about sex

+ what age should you explain sex to your teen?

Navigating the subject of sexual education with your teenager can be a daunting task.

Whilst we can rely, in part, on schools to offer this within their PSHE curriculum, you may receive questions yourself or even want to broach the subject earlier if they have learned about this from a friend or social media.

With this in mind, we wanted to explore the appropriate age to start these conversations and also tips on how to approach the topic.

When should you start talking about sex with your teen?

The ideal age to begin the conversation around sex can vary massively – it’s pretty dependent on a child’s maturity and of course your own values – but many experts suggest starting earlier than you might think.

There are a few reasons to start these conversations earlier  – these include…

• If your child has a phone, they have likely been exposed to some form of content about sex even if it’s not pornography – meme culture and social media can be pretty graphic without being restricted as inappropriate
• Because your child is going through puberty – this can start as young as 8 for teen girls and 9 for teen boys, and with puberty comes hormonal changes which increase their curiosity in sexual desire
• Linking to puberty, if you have a teen daughter she may be starting her period much earlier – as young as 8 – and so having a basic understanding of sex is pretty important, given periods are related to the reproductive cycle

Think of it as stages, and not ages

Honestly you know your child best, so this is just a suggestion, but rather than having “the talk” all in one go, introducing age-appropriate information gradually over time has been shown to be especially effective. 

Think of their education in stages, not ages – based on who they are as a person, and the developmental stages they're going through puberty-wise.

For example, by age 8 or 9, children are often ready to understand the basics of reproduction and body changes that will begin happening to them as puberty approaches. 

As they enter adolescence, these discussions should become more detailed so that by age 13-15 they have a fuller understanding of sexual health, consent, and relationships. 

The goal is to create an environment where they feel comfortable coming to you with any questions or concerns they may have as they begin to explore this side of human connection.

Suggested ways to approach the topic of sex education

Everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to this, so these are just some ideas you can work with.

• Don’t shy away from it: if your child doesn’t learn about sex and relationships at home, they’re significantly more prone to developing inaccurate beliefs around sex due to misinformation from peers and the internet. By broaching this topic early, you can prevent this from happening. It’s also worth saying that while sex education is not required in primary schools, teachers may address questions about sex and sexuality if they come up, ensuring students get safe and accurate information. The government recognises in their own RSE (Relationships and Sex Education) guidelines that young people may be resorting to unsafe browsing to fulfil their curiosity if we do not answer their questions appropriately
• Create a safe space: ensure your child knows they can talk to you without judgement. Start by listening more than you speak to understand their views and current knowledge level
• Be honest and clear: use correct anatomical terms and provide factual information. Avoid confusing euphemisms
• Use everyday opportunities: integrate conversations about sex education naturally into everyday life. For example, when watching TV or a movie together, use relevant scenes to start a discussion
• Share your values: discuss your own values and beliefs about sex, but also provide balanced information. Encourage them to think critically and form their own values
• Include comprehensive topics: cover a broad range of subjects including puberty, consent, contraception, healthy relationships, STI testing, and the emotional aspects of sex
• Promote critical thinking: encourage them to ask questions and seek out reliable sources of information

Hopefully this has given you some ideas about encouraging an open dialogue about sex to not only educate your teen, but also strengthen your relationship with them.

Why not get your teen luna premium, to help with those tricky questions?

Our app, luna, has dedicated advice on this topic to help empower teens and facilitate conversations with parents and caregivers. We know it can be awkward and not the easiest topic, so luna is there as an aid to help answer any questions you might not want to answer, and we can be there to support your teen further.

You can think of luna as a modern, digital approach to wellbeing – it’s cost-effective, verified by doctors and safeguarding experts, and has a direct line into the biggest concerns facing teens today – so it’s actually addressing what they need advice on, when they need it.

If you’ve been looking for an antidote to the misinformation and negativity shared on social media or forums, you can get luna for your teen via our luna premium page for the price of a coffee each month or manage their subscription by downloading luna yourself and signing up as a parent (it's "we are luna" in app stores).