Handling your daughter’s first boyfriend or girlfriend
What to say (and what not to)
Quick summary
- Stay calm and supportive when your daughter tells you about her first boyfriend or girlfriend to keep communication open
- Use it as a chance to talk about healthy relationships, and reassure her she deserves respect and kindness
- If she goes through a breakup, listen without judgement and let her know her feelings are valid while keeping an eye out for ongoing sadness
Your daughter’s first boyfriend or girlfriend can feel like a big moment – for her and for you.
You might feel proud, protective, worried, or all of those at once.
That’s completely normal.
It’s common to wonder what age is typical, how to react, what to say, and how to help if things don’t work out.
So here’s a straightforward guide to navigating your daughter’s first relationship, keeping the conversation open and supporting her through it all.
How to react to your daughter’s first boyfriend or girlfriend
When she first tells you she’s seeing someone, some people can feel tempted to react emotively – whether that’s teasing, laying down strict rules or panicking about this could mean or lead to.
But in the short term, try to keep your reaction as calm and supportive as you can.
A good first response could simply be to say something like:
“That’s nice, tell me about them.”
Showing interest without judgement can help her feel like she can keep talking to you about it.
If you have concerns – about her age, their behaviour, or anything else – it’s okay to bring those up, but try to do it gently or as part of another conversation rather than shutting her down straight away.
What is the average age for a girl to have her first boyfriend or girlfriend?
There isn’t a single “right” age for a first relationship.
It depends a lot on her personality, maturity and friendship group.
Some girls start using the term boyfriend or girlfriend at around 12 or 13, often more as a label than anything serious.
Others wait until they’re 15, 16 or older before having a “proper” relationship.
If you feel she’s too young, you can still talk about your expectations and values.
But try to remember that for most teens, a first relationship is more about exploring feelings and friendships than anything long-term.
How to talk to your daughter about her first boyfriend or girlfriend
When your daughter tells you she’s seeing someone, it can be hard to know what tone to take – warm? cautious? curious? serious?
The truth is, she’s likely feeling a mixture of excitement and uncertainty, so the goal is to help her feel safe talking to you without worrying she’ll be teased, interrogated or shut down.
Here’s how to approach the conversation in a way that keeps communication open now and in future relationships.
Start light, even if you’re panicking inside
A gentle, neutral opener works best. Something like:
- “That sounds exciting, what are they like?”
- “I’d love to hear about them when you feel like sharing.”
- “How are you feeling about it all?”
Keeping your tone steady shows her that coming to you wasn’t a mistake.
Avoid reactions like:
❌ “You’re too young.”
❌ “Is this serious?”
❌ “You shouldn’t be dating yet.”
❌ Teasing (“Ooooh, someone’s in love!”)
These tend to shut teens down immediately.
Ask questions that help you understand her world
Many teens struggle to explain their feelings, so simple, open prompts are easiest:
- “How did you meet?”
- “What do you like about them?”
- “How do they treat you?”
- “Do your friends know?”
- “Do you feel like yourself around them?”
These questions help her reflect, not justify.
Talk about what healthy relationships actually look like
A first relationship is the perfect moment to gently introduce the basics:
- Respect
- Kindness
- Honesty
- Giving each other space
- Feeling safe enough to speak up
- No pressure around affection or physical closeness
Instead of lecturing, try:
- “Remember you deserve someone who treats you kindly and listens to you.”
- “If anything ever feels uncomfortable, you can always tell me, no judgement!”
- “Your feelings matter just as much as theirs – always remember that!”
This approach lands much better with teens than a list of “rules.”
If you're worried, raise it calmly, not in the heat of the moment
If the person’s behaviour, age or attitude concerns you, keep it measured:
- “I’m not worried about you persay, but I do want to understand more so I can support you.”
- “Some things I’ve noticed make me want to check in, can we talk about it?”
She’s far more likely to open up when she doesn’t feel blamed.
And if you really dislike them, you might want to read our guide on what to do if you hate your daughter's boyfriend.
Adapt your approach depending on the type of relationship
If it’s more of a “school label” relationship (ages 11-13):
Keep things light. These relationships are usually short, sweet and exploratory.
If it’s getting more serious (14-16+):
Talk more about communication, boundaries, balancing school, friends and screens.
If it’s a same-sex relationship:
Stay warm and accepting – this moment shapes whether she feels safe being herself.
If it’s an online or social-media-based relationship:
Focus on safety, verifying who someone is, not sharing any messages or images they wouldn't want on a billboard (so something friends/family/teachers/employers see) and taking things super slowly.
Show her you’re on her side and not trying to control things
Reassure her:
- “I’m not here to judge, I just want you to feel supported.”
- “It’s your relationship, not mine. I’m just here if you ever want advice.”
This keeps the door open.
How luna can help you both keep the conversation going
Teens often find it easier to talk about relationships when they’ve first explored their own feelings privately.
luna gives your daughter:
- expert-reviewed advice on healthy relationships, boundaries and breakups
- articles and videos on respect, boundaries and red flags
- anonymous Q&As so she can ask questions she may not want to ask you (we often get things like: "how do I talk to my mum about my boyfriend", for example
You can use luna as a springboard for gentle check-ins:
- “I saw luna had a video about healthy relationships – did you find it helpful?”
- “Anything interesting come up on luna lately?”
It lets you stay involved without feeling intrusive.
Meeting your daughter’s boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time
Meeting your daughter’s boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time can feel oddly nerve-wracking – even for the calmest parent.
You want to make a good impression, set the right tone, and still quietly check that this person is kind and respectful.
Here’s how to make that first meeting feel relaxed, positive and comfortable for everyone.
Keep the atmosphere low-pressure
The more casual the setting, the easier it is for your daughter (and for the other person).
Good options include:
- A quick hello at home
- A school pick-up or drop-off
- A short walk to the shop
- A cup of tea at the kitchen table
Avoid anything that feels like an “interrogation moment” – formal family dinners can come later.
Start with friendly, neutral questions
Keep the first few minutes simple and welcoming. You could ask:
- “How are you finding school?”
- “What do you two enjoy doing together?”
- “Do you live nearby?”
Your daughter will be watching your tone very closely, and may mention it to you later, so staying warm and polite goes a long way in building trust with her.
Show you’re interested, not evaluating (even if you secretly are)
Even if you are quietly sizing them up (totally valid!), try to focus on connection over judgement.
Teens pick up instantly on disapproval, even subtle hints like:
❌ overly serious tone
❌ long pauses
❌ “So…what are your intentions?”-style jokes
❌ whispering afterwards
Instead, aim for:
- open body language
- light conversation
- a smile
- a “you’re welcome here” feeling
This helps your daughter feel safe sharing more in future, and hopefully instills a level of familiarity and respect with their new partner.
Lightly reinforce your values without turning it into a lecture
You don’t need to give a speech about rules or boundaries, but you can gently signal what matters in your family through tone and small comments, for example:
- “We’re big on kindness in this house”
- “We really respect people being honest with each other”
- “We just want everyone to feel comfortable here”
These statements set expectations, hopefully without embarrassment.
If you’re worried, wait until afterwards
If something about the meeting makes you uneasy, it’s best to raise it with your daughter later, once she’s not anxious or embarrassed.
Try framing concerns with curiosity, not criticism:
- “How do you feel when you’re around them?”
- “Did anything feel off to you today?”
- “I might have misread it, but I noticed ___ — what did you think?”
This keeps communication open rather than defensive.
There's a whole guide we've prepared about what to do if you hate your daughter's first boyfriend if the impression you got was particularly bad.
Show her she can come to you about anything
The purpose of the first meeting isn’t to judge the relationship – it’s to show her she doesn’t need to hide things from you.
That trust will matter far more in the long run.
If you want an easy way to keep these conversations going, luna can help too!
The app includes expert-reviewed guidance on healthy relationships, boundaries and respect – topics teens often find easier to explore privately before talking to a parent.
Using luna alongside occasional gentle check-ins lets you stay involved without hovering.
What questions should a father ask his daughter’s boyfriend (or girlfriend)?
We all grew up in different sorts of households, and if we are from a more traditional upbringing, we may have remembered the "talk" a girl dad has with her boyfriend.
So what about nowadays? Is there still room for the "talk"? And if so, what do you say?
Well, luna recommends that when a dad meets his daughter’s boyfriend or girlfriend, set a goal to not entirely grill them, just get a sense of who they are while keeping the daughter's comfort front of mind.
Here are some simple, respectful questions that work well:
Start light
- “How did you two meet?”
- “What do you both enjoy doing together?”
- “What are you into outside of school?”
These open the conversation without putting anyone on the spot.
Gently get a feel for their character
- “How’s school going for you?”
- “What do your friends say you’re like?”
- “What do you appreciate most about my daughter?” (asked with warmth, not intensity)
Short, friendly questions like these help show whether they’re polite, thoughtful and respectful.
Avoid the stereotypical ‘dad interrogation’
Teens shut down fast if things feel confrontational, so it’s best to steer clear of:
❌ “What are your intentions?”
❌ “When do you have to be home?”
❌ Jokes about rules, curfews or hurting them
These tend to embarrass your daughter more than protect her.
Focus on creating an atmosphere your daughter trusts
If the meeting goes well, she’s far more likely to talk to you openly about this relationship, and future ones. That’s the real win here!
Why your reaction to her first relationship matters
First relationships are part of growing up.
How you react now may set the tone for whether she feels she can come to you about relationships in the future.
So by keeping calm, showing you’re interested, and being there through both the happy and the hard parts, you’ll help her build confidence and trust.
You don’t have to have all the answers or be free of worries, but just being there for her through this milestone may make all the difference.
How we created this article:
luna's team of experts comprises GPs, Dermatologists, Safeguarding Leads and Junior Doctors as well as Medical Students with specialised interests in paediatric care, mental health and gynaecology. All articles are created by experts, and reviewed by a member of luna's senior review team.
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