What if you hate your daughter's boyfriend?

This is all too common, don't worry!

Quick summary

• Staying calm and curious (not critical) helps keep communication open when you don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend
• Talk about her feelings and explain what she deserves in a relationship e.g. through conversation or even books and film, rather than attacking him directly
• If she needs extra guidance, the luna app can support her with articles and expert advice on what healthy relationships look like (this can be especially useful if you worry she's not turning to you for advice about her boyfriend)

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I hate my daughter’s boyfriend: what should I do?

If you don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend, you’re not alone.

Many parents feel uneasy, frustrated, or downright worried when their teen starts dating someone they don’t approve of – especially if it’s her first relationship.

Teen relationships today are also shaped by social media, constant private messaging, and pressure to be “available” at all times – which can make unhealthy dynamics harder to spot.

Handled gently, this can strengthen trust between you. Handled harshly, it can push her closer to him and further away from you.

So here’s how to navigate it without damaging your relationship with your daughter, and while keeping her safe.

Why you might dislike your daughter’s boyfriend

Every parent has their own reasons, and most of them are completely understandable. You might feel:

• Protective: worried he’ll hurt her emotionally
• Suspicious: you’ve noticed red flags she hasn’t
• Unimpressed: his manners, attitude, or motivation worry you
• Left out: she’s spending more time with him than with you
• Triggered: he reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past

Your feelings are valid. But your daughter will usually see things very differently, and that’s where tensions start.

Why disliking a daughter’s boyfriend can feel overwhelming

A daughter’s first relationships often trigger strong emotions for parents because they combine protectiveness, loss of control, and fear of emotional harm.

When values, safety or self-worth feel at stake, those feelings can come out as anger or dislike – even when the deeper emotion is worry.

First step: don’t say “I hate him”

Even if you feel it, saying it out loud rarely works.

Teens are wired to defend their choices, and harsh judgement may push them to:

• hide things from you
• become more attached to him
• interpret your worry as criticism of them, not him

Instead, take a breath. Your goal isn’t to win a battle at this stage, it’s to stay connected.

If you hate your daughter’s boyfriend, focus on this instead:

• Stay curious, not critical
• Talk about behaviour, not personality
• Reinforce what she deserves
• Keep communication open
• Set boundaries calmly
• Watch for red flags, not annoyances

How to talk to your daughter about a boyfriend you don’t like

1. Start with curiosity, not criticism

Ask open, gentle questions:

• “What do you like about him?”
• “How do you feel when you’re with him?”
• “How long have you known each other?”

This gives you insight into her thinking and shows you’re not attacking her.

2. Share concerns calmly and specifically

Instead of:

❌ “He’s rude.”

Try:

✔️ “I noticed he didn’t say hello earlier, is that normal for him?”

Instead of:

❌ “He’s bad for you.”

Try:

✔️ “How does he make you feel? I want you to be with someone who treats you with kindness and respect.”

Focus on behaviours, not personality.

3. Reinforce what she deserves

This is powerful. Teens listen when you speak about her worth, not his flaws.

• “You deserve someone who listens to you.”
• “You deserve someone who speaks kindly to you.”
• “You deserve someone who makes you feel confident, not anxious.”

This helps her build her own filters, not just follow yours.

It might also help to model healthy relationship behaviours in front of her, or get her books or even films which model these for her.

Funny things to say to your daughter’s boyfriend

A little light humour can help break the ice when meeting your daughter’s boyfriend – but only if it’s gentle, inclusive and not at his expense.

The goal isn’t to intimidate or embarrass.

It’s to signal warmth, confidence and calm, while keeping the power dynamic balanced.

Some examples that tend to land well:

• “We’ve heard good things – no pressure though.”
• “Welcome! Would you like a drink before we put you on the spot?”
• “We’re still learning how this works – bear with us.”
• “You’re officially part of the chaos now.”
• “Relax, we’re much nicer than we look.”

These kinds of comments:

• ease tension
• show emotional maturity
• help your daughter feel less caught in the middle

What to avoid are jokes about:

• threats
• rules about sex
• past boyfriends
• or comments designed to “test” him

Even if meant playfully, those can make your daughter feel exposed or embarrassed, and may push her to protect him rather than stay open with you.

If humour doesn’t come naturally, that’s okay. Calm friendliness is far more important than being funny.

Questions to ask your daughter’s boyfriend

If you’re wondering what questions to ask your daughter’s boyfriend, the best approach is curiosity rather than interrogation.

You’re not there to assess, cross-examine or catch him out initially.

You’re there to understand who he is, how he treats your daughter, and what matters to him.

Good, low-pressure questions include:

• “How did you two meet?”
• “What do you enjoy doing outside of school/work?”
• “What’s something you’re really into at the moment?”
• “What do you like doing together?”
• “What’s been keeping you busy lately?”

These questions:

• invite conversation rather than defence
• give you insight into values and communication style
• help your daughter feel respected, not monitored

If you have concerns, it’s usually better to save those for a private conversation with your daughter, rather than putting her boyfriend on the spot.

Questions to avoid early on include:

• anything about sex
• ultimatums or “rules”
• comparisons to previous partners
• questions designed to provoke insecurity

Your tone matters as much as your words. Warm, open questions keep doors open, which is exactly what you want if things ever feel off later on.

What to do if you think he’s a bad influence

If you’ve spotted red flags (controlling behaviour, attitude changes, isolation from friends, secrecy), don’t panic, but don’t ignore it either.

Try:

1. Keeping communication open

The more she talks to you, the safer you can keep her.

2. Staying involved in small ways

Offer lifts. Invite him over. Keep things friendly. This lets you observe dynamics and keeps you in the loop.

3. Setting gentle, reasonable boundaries

Not punishments. Boundaries.

Things like curfews, phone-free time at home, or rules about schoolwork are normal and healthy.

What if you think the relationship will only end in tears?

Most first relationships don’t, and that’s okay!

If you think a breakup is likely, keep your focus on being her safe person. When it ends, she’ll need you.

This guide on supporting your daughter through a breakup can help you prepare for that moment.

What not to do if you hate your daughter's boyfriend

These can backfire instantly:

❌ forbid her from seeing him

❌ insult him

❌ accuse her of being naïve

❌ interrogate her

❌ compare him to other boys

❌ say “I told you so” (even after a breakup)

All of these can damage trust.

What to do instead if you hate your daughter's boyfriend

Try these emotionally safe alternatives:

✔️ stay warm and predictable in your support of her

✔️ set boundaries without shaming

✔️ focus on values (“respect”, “kindness”, “balance”)

✔️ keep asking how she feels in the relationship

✔️ encourage time with friends, hobbies, and school

✔️ remind her you’re always on her side

The goal is to be her trusted person

Your goal is to stay close enough that she comes to you when something feels off, when she’s confused, or when things end.

Teens learn about relationships through experience.

So if she trusts you, she’ll learn safely. And if she feels judged, she may learn alone.

Choose connection wherever possible!

When to worry about your daughter and her new boyfriend

Reach out for support if you notice:

• dramatic shifts in behaviour or mood
• isolation from friends or family
• sudden secrecy
• comments about needing his approval
• changes in sleep or appetite
• controlling behaviour (checking her phone, guilt-tripping, jealousy)

If you’re worried about emotional harm, school pastoral teams and counsellors can be great support.

You don't have to love your daughter’s boyfriend

And you don’t even have to like him!

But by staying calm, curious and connected, you protect the most important relationship of all – the one between you and her.

And that’s what will guide her safely through all the relationships she’ll have in the future.

If you ever want to help her learn about healthy boundaries, confidence in relationships, and what a healthy relationship looks like (especially if you worry she's not coming to you with all of her struggles) the luna app can support her privately, safely and with medical-approved guidance.

There's a whole library of content for her to explore, and she can even ask anonymous questions to our team (not other teens), for supportive, safe answers.

Rated 4.8

Give your daughter the best guide to girlhood with luna

Find out more