How do I motivate my 14 year old to clean her room?

Question from a parent of a 14 year old

Question

My 14 year old daughter won’t clean her bedroom and we’re fighting about it every day. If i help she’s annoyed I’ve invaded her space, if I don’t help she gets overwhelmed by the mess. She’s leaving old cups and dishes lying around for days and I’ve had enough of picking up after her. It’s driving me crazy – what can I do?

Answer

Hey, thanks for asking this – you genuinely aren’t alone in this and it’s great you’re sharing what you’re going through; hopefully other parents reading this can relate to what you’re saying. 

Whilst every teen is different, here are some ideas that might help you both find a balance:

1️⃣ Have a calm conversation

Sit down with your daughter, in a calm, private space when neither of you are distracted. 

Then have a chat about how the mess affects both of you. 

Ask open ended questions with an observation like: “I’ve noticed there’s a lot of dishes piling up in your room recently, how does that make you feel?” 

Try to understand her perspective and when she’s done sharing, use that as a springboard to share yours without blaming or criticising

It might also help to remind her of the benefits of a tidy room. Tidy rooms are linked with stress relief, feelings of belonging and ownership, plus decreasing mood swings and mental health issues.

2️⃣ Set clear expectations

Once you’ve both aired your feelings, it’s a good time to agree to some new rules that will help both of you feel happier in the long term.

These rules ideally should be something she can measure and slot into a routine – like bringing dishes to the kitchen daily or having a quick tidy-up once a week perhaps when she’s not in the room. Alternatively perhaps no dishes are to be brought into the bedroom.

3️⃣ Offer support

Let her know you're there to help if she feels overwhelmed, but make sure she takes the lead in cleaning her space.

Perhaps you could say something like “come to me when you’re feeling stuck and share what you’re feeling – I can support you but you can take ownership. Think of me like a helping hand, I don’t need to tell you what to do – I trust your process might be different.”

4️⃣ Make it fun

You could encourage her to play music, listen to a podcast or do it in timed bursts to make cleaning feel less like a chore and more like a mindfulness exercise and something fun.

In general, developing good habits takes time, and it's normal for teens to struggle with organisation and motivation, but hopefully by having a calm conversation you can begin the process.