Teen privacy online: should you spy on them?

How to balance trust and safety

Quick summary

• It’s natural to worry about your teen’s online life, but spying can often backfire
• Covert monitoring may damage trust, reduce honesty, and lead to more secrecy
• Building trust through boundaries and open conversations (with help from resources like luna) can be more effective than surveillance

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Let’s talk about watching from the sidelines

It’s amazing to see your teen thrive online – chatting with friends, learning new things, finding their place. 

But let’s be honest: every scary headline can bring a wave of worry.

It might be tempting to quietly check their messages or see what they’re up to online. 

But sneaking around tends to cause more harm than good, and may even make your teen feel like you don’t trust them.

The good news? There’s another way to consider.

A mix of honest chats, shared boundaries, and a bit of tech teamwork can help keep them safe, without damaging the relationship.

So let’s talk about whether spying is an effective strategy, and whether there are any alternatives.

Why do parents sometimes feel the need to check in secretly?

It’s understandable. The online world can be tricky, with social media pressure, unkind messages, and content that’s just not right for their age.

You might feel the urge to step in because:

• You’re worried about bullying, harmful content, or strangers online
• You’ve noticed changes in their mood or behaviour
• You just want to be sure they’re okay

In fact, a 2023 study found that 62.9% of parents with children over 11 supported regular monitoring of social media use – especially those worried about online bullying or safety issues. 

Younger parents, particularly under 35, were even more likely to feel this way.

Further research also shows something interesting: teens often have their own way of staying safe online, and they’re often more worried about being judged by people they know than strangers they don’t. 

This is especially true for teens who already feel vulnerable in offline life.

What can go wrong with spying?

Even with the best intentions, quietly monitoring your teen can make things harder.

It can:

• Hurt their trust – they might feel betrayed or watched
• Make them hide things – using secret accounts or apps
• Stop them from opening up – they might think it’s safer not to tell you anything

The Greyson et al. study (2023) also highlights how adults and teens often worry about different things online. 

Parents tend to fear outsiders, while teens are more focused on being judged, bullied, or misunderstood by people they know – sometimes even family.

That’s why surveillance, especially if it’s hidden, can backfire. 

Instead of helping, it might push your teen further away, just when they need your support the most from problems closer to home (e.g. at school).

How to monitor your teen's online use, without crossing the line

If you’re worried about your teen, there are ways to check in without spying. 

These small shifts in approach may help you both feel more confident.

Start the conversation

Ask open, relaxed questions like:

• “What apps do you use most these days?”
• “What would you do if someone was being weird or made you uncomfortable online?”
• “How do you handle it if someone posts something without asking?”

Set boundaries together

Instead of laying down the law, try making a plan together: which apps are okay, when devices go off, and what’s private vs. public. 

When teens are part of the plan, they’re more likely to stick with it.

Check privacy settings side by side

Sit down together and go through privacy settings. 

Show them how to tighten controls and talk about who can see what. 

It’s less about rules, more about being smart online.

If you use parental tools, be open about it

Let them know what you’re using and why. 

Most teens understand the need for safety, especially when they feel included in the conversation.

Model what you want to see

If you’re asking for no phones at dinner, try doing the same. 

If you’re worried about screen time, talk about your own habits too. 

Teens are more likely to follow examples than instructions.

Help build digital confidence

Support them in spotting scams, dodgy accounts, or pressure from peers. 

Digital literacy is a skill – and the more they know, the less they’ll need policing.

Show them the good side of the internet

There’s a lot online that’s not ideal – but there’s also support, creativity, and connection.

 Helping your teen find the right corners of the internet can be just as powerful as keeping them away from the wrong ones.

Apps like luna are a great place to start. 

luna supports young people in:

• Learning about their changing bodies and emotions
• Managing screen time in a balanced way
• Getting advice on friendships, stress and healthy habits
• Feeling more comfortable talking to parents or carers

Pointing them toward positive, ethical tech helps them make better choices – and gives you peace of mind.

Rated 4.8

Support your teen through it all with luna

Find out more

Ultimately, connection is likely more effective than control

At the end of the day, you know your child best, and your intuition with them is what matters most. 

But staying open, honest and connected gives your teen the best chance at handling the digital world, and knowing they can turn to you if they need to.

In a world full of likes, pings and pressure, that trust might just be the most protective thing of all.