In short

A "mean girl" best friendship is one of the more complex social situations a parent can witness. Your daughter may be deeply attached to someone who is also unkind to her, controls her social life, or undermines her confidence. 

YoungMinds identifies this pattern clearly: an unhealthy friendship is one that makes you feel guilty, uncomfortable, or one-sided, where you give more than you get. 

The challenge is that your daughter probably loves this friend, so pushing too hard against the relationship will push her away from you instead.

Rated 4.8

Try luna: the world’s #1 teen health and wellbeing app

Find out more

What does an unhealthy friendship actually look like?

The signs are not always obvious, because mean behaviour can be subtle.

Signs of an unhealthy friendship include: 

• Being pressured into things she does not want to do 
• Jokes or banter that cross into hurtful territory
• Being made to feel guilty for spending time with other people
• Being excluded from the group
• A friendship that feels consistently one-sided

If your daughter regularly comes home upset after spending time with this person and yet keeps going back, that pattern alone is worth paying attention to and suggests she has a toxic friend.

Why does she stay friends with someone who treats her badly?

This is the question that baffles most parents, and the answer is usually a combination of things.

Your daughter may genuinely love this person and remember the times the friendship was good. She may fear what happens socially if she ends it, such as being frozen out, talked about, or left without a friendship group. 

The social cost of leaving a friendship can feel enormous to a teenager, even when the friendship is clearly harmful. This is not weakness; it is a rational calculation about a complicated social landscape.

How do I talk to her about it?

Start by listening, not solving.

The NHS advises that teenagers who feel heard and not judged are much more likely to keep talking. 

Ask open questions: "How do you feel after you spend time with her?" or "Has she said anything that upset you lately?" rather than "She sounds awful, why are you still friends with her?"

Once she is talking, reflect back what you hear without over-directing. Helping her name the dynamic herself is far more powerful than you naming it for her.

Should I contact the school or the other parents?

In most cases, directly contacting the other girl's parents risks escalating the situation and embarrassing your daughter.

If the behaviour crosses into bullying, such as persistent, deliberate, repeated unkindness or exclusion, then involving school is a reasonable step. 

The NSPCC notes that signs of bullying include being deliberately excluded from activities or friendship groups, not just physical or direct verbal aggression. 

If that is what is happening, speaking to your daughter's pastoral lead at school is appropriate.

How do I help her without making the decision for her?

Ultimately, your daughter needs to reach her own conclusions about this friendship.

Your role is to create the conditions for that: by listening without rushing her, by helping her identify what she values in a friendship, and by making home a place she wants to be. 

Teenagers benefit from having friends in different contexts, so gently encouraging her other relationships and activities outside this friendship can help reduce the hold it has.

You may want to read up on how to help your teen make friends so she can explore other connections.

FAQ

What if my daughter defends this friend every time I raise it?

Stay curious rather than critical. "I just want to understand what you enjoy about spending time with her" is a more productive question than a direct challenge. 

Keep the conversation going across multiple occasions rather than trying to resolve it in one sitting.

Could this be bullying rather than just unkindness?

Yes. The NSPCC defines bullying as behaviour that is intentional, repeated, and involves a power imbalance. Social exclusion, such as deliberately freezing someone out or controlling who they spend time with, counts. If your daughter is being excluded regularly and systematically, this is not just a difficult friendship.

When should I be really worried?

If your daughter is withdrawing from all other friendships, her mood has significantly declined, she is missing school, or she is showing signs of anxiety or low self-esteem as a result of this friendship, it is worth speaking to her doctor.

For more on friendship conflict, check out luna’s article on what to do if your daughter gets dumped by her best friend.

Rated 4.8

Period tracking & more for teens. Guidance for parents.

Find out more